The GenX lifestyle can take its toll on your health with all the red carpet events, opening galas, and parties at Puff Diddy’s mansion. You have to take care of yourself because your health is all you’ve got, aside from money, prestige, and your AARP membership. In this installment of “Health Stuff” T and A take a glancing look at this important topic.
Health Advice
When it comes to knowing things, perhaps no one knows more than talking matchstick Gwyneth Paltrow. She is happy to offer sound advice for all of us not good smart people. Just be careful if she tries to sell you a candle.
Alcohol
Doctors are always asking things like, “How much alcohol do you drink?” I tell her, “Don’t worry, I drink enough.” It is recommended that you drink at least six 8oz glasses of boxed Chardonnay a day. More accurately the formula for the number of ounces is M(100-A) where A is your age and M is the number of marriages you’ve had.
Blood Pressure
One of the big concerns for GenXers as they get older is blood pressure. The perfect blood pressure is Pi, or 22/7. Yours is probably higher than that and you no doubt need medication. Make sure to read about the meds because they usually say something like, “May cause rashes, dizziness, or death. Talk to your doctor about any side effects lasting more than 48 hours.” I would suggest that you not wait 48 hours to call your doctor if your medication causes your death.
Exercise
I’m told one of the important factors in health is exercise. Take a walk. Make sure to bring cigarettes because walks are boring and you will need something to do. Remember to wear shoes. T is testing these right now.
Dieting
Weight gain is normal as you get older. It’s because food is so good. Most food contains cheese and bacon and you should be suspicious of any food that doesn’t.
Luckily dieting is easy if you follow the simple Divorce Diet (patent pending):
- Get divorced. Your spouse won’t like it but, hey, you have to think about your health.
- Buy vodka. You will be upset about the divorce and all food will taste like lava. If you subsist entirely on vodka the weight will fly off.
- You’re welcome, you skinny thing.
Smoothies
Smoothies are something I invented in order to trick my body into ingesting fruit. You will need a blender.
Add the following to the blender (take off the lid first): One splash milk, one splash chocolate almond milk, one scoop plain Greek yogurt, one big scoop of peanut butter, one banana, a couple strawberries, and a fistful of blueberries. Blend until blended using one of the buttons. Yum! This tasty concoction is like being hit in the face with a health stick.
You are probably asking, “How do they milk an almond?” What you should be asking is, “Do I just ask myself dumb questions all day? Should I see a therapist?”
Recently T bought a bag of chopped spinach and said, “I thought you could add this to your smoothie.” What the hell? It’s like that old commercial:
“You got your peanut butter on my chocolate!”
“You got spinach in my peanut butter! You stupid motherfucker!”
Disclaimer: Any medical advice from T and A is just fiction sprinkled with science words, much like TV hoaxter Dr. Oz. You should consult your doctor, unless your doctor is Dr. Oz.
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