With the summer season upon us T and I thought it would be helpful for us to check out some dining options and pass our exceptionally insightful… insights along to you. In this edition of “T and A Eat Stuff and Blog About It”, we visited a McDonald’s near our house.
When we entered the McDonalds I approached the smartly dressed man near the doorway.
“Table for two please,” I instructed him authoritatively.
“I don’t work here,” he replied in an off accent. Being fine dining I assumed he must be French.
“Pas de pisse dans la piscine,” I tried.
“I’m not French and you just said, ‘No pissing in the pool’,” remarked the rude host. He told us we could seat ourselves.
We found a nice booth with a table top made of some elegant composite that simulated formica that was simulating a laminate that was simulating wood. It was dazzling. I assumed it was made to be indestructible and tested this by banging the pepper shaker as hard as I could repeatedly on the surface. Not a chip or a crack.
“You’re acting like a baboon,” T hissed lovingly. She knows I like monkeys.
We waited for 30 minutes and no one came to bring us drinks or menus. “This is outrageous!” I bellowed and stood up to lodge a complaint. “I’m going to lodge a complaint!”
I rounded the corner and was amazed to see many other patrons in line at the complaint desk. In fact there were three lines. I suppose it’s no surprise given the rude host and the poor attention paid to customers.
I reached the complaint desk and was greeted by the customer service specialist. “Hi,” she said eerily, “What can I get for you?”
“We don’t have any food,” I explained. “We are very important influencers and we can’t review the food until we eat some.”
She pointed over her shoulder at a huge wall of menu items. “Just let me know what you want.”
You can order your meal directly from the complaint desk? This is a revolution in fine dining. Solve the problem on the spot. This is worth at least one star.
“We’ll start with two glasses of your best mid-level box chardonnay. Actually, make it your top shelf box chardonnay.” What the hell. It was our anniversary. T deserves the very best.
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve wine.”
“What? Do I look like I drink beer?”
“You look like you’ve had several.”
After clearing up a few more of her misunderstandings I was handed a tray with all our food. Again, this is genius to solve a complaint immediately at the complaint desk. I call this the one-stop POS (point of solvatude). If I had told her the bathroom was out of toilet paper she probably would have handed me a roll from the heat lamp. Nice and toasty and ready to go.
Down to business.
French Fries
These wonderful strips of potato are like biting a lightbeam, salty skin of the sky, a crunchy butterfly eyebrow. From the first fistful I was hooked and I happily gnashed the magic as the salt burned cracks into my lips. It reminded me of licking a taser the way these golden strands wedged apart my synapses.
The Big Mac
The Big Mac, from the Greek “bonesaw”, is a stack of succulent patties sliced from the ass of an angel and seared to eye-watering perfection, placed between not two but three dove-down buns. A hint of pickle mixes with onion in an artisan fugue of flavor while a topping of sesame seeds gently exfoliates the roof of your mouth. The sauce dripped down my chin leaving gold dust contrails on my shirt.
Our rude host was seated in a booth nearby with a woman and two things that might have been children. I whispered loudly to him, “Hey, good sir, what’s in the sauce?”
“If you speak to me again I will stab you in the back of your face!”
Some people. I turned to T and said, “Happy Anniversary!”
“Whatever.”
A final review and rating of our food and our experience at McDonald’s.
Service – 1 star
While the service is slow when waiting to see a menu, the fact that you can order your dinner directly from the complaint desk is a game changer in the food service industry.
Atmosphere – 3 ⅞ stars
Aside from the indestructible table tops, the seats were also made of a NASA polycomposite that contoured nicely to my back, providing lumbar support. Also they were slick enough to slide me right up to my french fries.
Food – 4.82 stars
The food is heavenly mana, possibly laced with opiates because I have been craving the french fries ever since. T got a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I asked her how it was. She said, “It was good.”
So overall that’s… what do I look like, a mathematician?
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