A staple of GenX cuisine, Spaghetti with meat sauce is a dish the whole family can enjoy. The ancient Greeks figured out that if you mix flour and water and tear it into tiny pieces it is delicious. Why were they doing that in the first place? Historians believe they were bored. The Greeks rolled these pieces into tiny balls. There are too many jokes to be made here so just pick one.
During the Roman Empire the race was on to outdo the Greeks. Different forms of flour and water were created, such as fusilli, ziti, vermicelli, conchiglie, farfalle, macaroni, manicotti, tagliolini, rigatoni, linguini, penne… you get the idea. But eventually they discovered the best shape: spaghetti. And then someone went too far and invented thin spaghetti, which sucks.
In this installment of “T and A Make Stuff to Eat ” we will be using a recipe I found on the FaceTik and preparing it in a way that is just as easy as any Hello Fresh meal.
Buy ahead of time:
1 Cow
1 Pig
Seed packets for wheat, garlic, tomatoes, basil, oregano, olives
You will need:
Large skillet, medium pot, smaller pot, colander, reliable transportation, mill stone, olive press, swimming pool, jumper cables, pickaxe, meat grinder, sharp objects, blunt objects, salt and pepper
Prep time: 985 days
Cook time: 4 hours
Serves: 5 humans
Get all the pots and pans you need!
We will be using the time-tested method of NASA with the backwards counting. For NASA, “T minus 30” means the launch is in 30 seconds, where “T” stands for “launch”. So we start with T minus 985 days…
T-985 days Plant the Olives
Olive oil is essential for many dishes and the best olive oil comes from olives. The vines take some time to mature so be patient.
T-730 days Buy the Cow
This part is easy, due to the number of cow outlet stores. Look for a calf around 2 years old, which you will then raise for a few years until maturity. For the best bargain ask to see their scratch and dent models.
T-268 days Plant the Garlic
Garlic is an essential ingredient in every food that is not a pop-tart.
T-182 days Buy the Pig
Here we are looking for a piglet that is done nursing, commonly called a “weaner”. (I would like to take credit for that joke, but it’s actually true.)
T-120 days Plant the Wheat
Plant enough to get four cups of flour. Eighty seven plants should do it.
T-118 days Plant the Oregano
Plant enough to get two tablespoons once dried. Eighty seven plants should do it.
T-80 days Plant the Tomatoes
Tomatoes are named for characters in teenage angst musicals, such as West Side Story, Grease, and The Outsiders. They have names like Big Boys, Early Girls, Proud Boys, Easy Girls, Pony Boys, Cherry, and Roma. It’s the Roma we are after.
T-28 days Plant the Basil
By this point you are probably out of space in your yard. Feel free to use part of your neighbor’s yard since he is a Clowndouche.
T-13 days Mine the Salt
Locate a salt mine in your area. Using your pickaxe, chip off enough salt to fill a shaker. A healthy alternative is sea salt. Drive to the nearest ocean (check local listings).
T-12 days Mine the Pepper
Black pepper is only found in the pepper mines of the Black Hills in South Dakota. Remember to bring your pickaxe. You might want to fill several shakers while you are there. If kept in a cool dry place pepper will keep for nearly a month.
T-6 days Grind the Cow
Using your grinder, carefully grind the cow. It is helpful to loosen the skin first by boiling the cow. Push the cow in your swimming pool, drop one end of the jumper cables in the water and attach the other end to your power line. If your electric lines are buried, you will need to dig them up with the pickaxe. Use something sharp to peel back the insulation and clamp the jumper cables on the exposed wire. Careful! Wires might be hot. Once the skin is removed, use the skin to construct a tipi. Set aside for a later step.
The best cut of meat comes from the right front armpit of the cow. All cows are right handed and can only apply deodorant to their other three armpits. The deodorant makes the armpits dry and gamey but the front right armpit they can’t reach is moist and free of aluminum. Pile the ground meat on a tarp next to your pool. Set aside.
T-5 days Grind the Pig
After hearing about what you did to the cow, you will no doubt be getting angry calls from PETA. At this point it is recommended that you change your voicemail greeting to “Fuck off, PETA!” This is how I keep my greeting year round.
Grind the pig using the grinder, carefully keeping the hooves separate. Pig hooves are considered lucky and revered by many satanic cults due to their cloven nature. Make jewelry from the hooves and sell it to nearby cults (check local listings). This will offset the cost of the meal. You can also use the ears to make silk purses.
T-3 days Make the Olive Oil
Harvest olives and squeeze with the olive press. Alternatively, place olives on a sturdy counter top. Find something blunt, such as a mallet or shoe heel and smash olives until oil emerges. In order to make extra virgin olive oil, do not fuck the oil.
T-2 days Time to Harvest!
We’re getting close now so it is time to harvest the wheat, tomatoes, basil, oregano, and garlic. Chop the basil and oregano into small pieces. Dice the garlic. Use the mill stone to grind the wheat into flour. Mix the flour with water to form a paste. Set aside.
T-1 Make the Spaghetti
Spread the floury paste on a smooth flat surface, such as your kitchen floor. Using something sharp, cut small thin spaghetti noodles. Reference a box of spaghetti to see what it should look like. Try to make it look like the picture. Let spaghetti noodles dry on the floor overnight. Cover with the tipi from the earlier step to keep cats from walking on the noodles during the night. Cats are known to carry diseases on their paws, like catpox or gonorrhea.
T-4 hours Start the Sauce
Blanch the tomatoes in a pot of boiling water to loosen the skins. No need to use the swimming pool and jumper cables unless you really enjoyed that. After boiling for several minutes, remove the tomatoes from the water, submerse immediately in ice cold water and let cool. Remove the tomato skins. You can use the tomato skins to make a tiny tipi if you are insane and/or need entertainment.
In a large pot, heat 3 Tbsp of olive oil. Add the garlic and sauté until translucent. Place peeled tomatoes in the pot and cook over medium heat. The tomatoes will break down over time into a juicy sauce. Stir occasionally. Add the basil and oregano to the sauce when you feel like it.
T-1 hour Finish it Up
Brown 1lb of ground cow and ½ lb of ground pig in a large skillet. Discard the rest. Stir in the diced onion to sauté with the meat. (We forgot to plant the onion! Dammit! Okay, start over and on T-95 plant the onion seeds. Explain to your children that dinner will be ready in three more years.)
Drain the meat in the colander and add to the sauce. Boil some water in a smaller pot and add spaghetti. Cook until al dente (Italian: “I’m hungry”). Put spaghetti on plates and top with meat sauce. Enjoy!
You wanted garlic bread? Should have milked that cow and made some butter.
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